Dr. Miley’s Blog

Appreciate Others and Be Happier

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:06:13 -0600

I’ve tried a little experiment the past couple days. While out and about, I have tried to be more appreciative of the little things that strangers do to be kind. A warmer smile with my thanks and more effort to express gratitude for the little things costs very little. Did it pay off? With dividends. My lunch companion forgot his new hat at the restaurant. Not only did the waitress set it aside, she took the time to retrieve it with a smile when I arrived at the end of her shift. The safe return of the hat wasn’t the real dividend. It was the optimism engendered by that encounter and many others.

This is a larger idea than sending out positive energy into the universe and waiting for it to boomerang back. The practice of being more appreciative requires adopting a more positive mindset. We can force a smile, but when it gets returned, it is suddenly effortless. The smile is immediately genuine and so is the positive boost to our mood. What does this have to do with balance?

Balance demands that we be more conscious of our choices and evaluate where we want to expend and invest our energy. What better investment than one that pays dividends? When we walk away from an encounter with a smile and a more positive outlook, we have a better chance of that mood carrying over into our next interaction. There are only so many minutes in a day. Why not make as many as we can be happier ones?

Positive Thinking About Change

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 21:55:18 -0600

A funny thing happens when we try to make changes. Somewhere between setting goals and soaring to new found success… reality shows up. It is enjoyable to read about how others achieve amazing success based on rather thin principles that imply that change is possible simply through focused desire. Merely wanting things to be different does not make them so. It is consistent effort and a firm belief that things will be different which have the power to transform our lives - one boring step at a time.
Bold and dramatic changes are extremely difficult to maintain. It takes a certain steadiness to launch and see a plan through. One of the keys to change is to be flexible enough to readjust when our plans falter. It is human nature to become frustrated when we don’t meet our goals. The risk is that in our frustration we will reach faulty conclusions.
“Oh, forget it. This isn’t working.”
“Well, I guess I just didn’t want it that bad.”
“I can’t do it. Never mind.”
Before these messages take root, there is another option: regroup, tweak the strategy, and keep going. Study what got in the way and readjust. Was the plan to ambitious? Scale back and build up to the larger goal more slowly. Was the plan too rigid? Cut yourself a little slack. Unless the goal is just not worth pursuing, any steps that approximate where you want to be are worth the effort!

My Life is Out of Whack! Where Do I start?

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 20:23:50 -0600

One mistake we make in trying to improve our lives is to attempt to change too much simultaneously. Our efforts to renew our lives in divergent ways can diminish energy and focus. Increasing the balance between work and home life is more likely in small increments in a focused area. An examination of our values can guide us to invest our energy where it is going to make the most impact in our overall satisfaction. Once we have identified the area of our life that warrants change, our process of seeking balance takes more shape. Here some questions to ponder along with changes that may help:

• Is work so dominating your day that it feels there is little time for your personal priorities? Consider limit setting strategies and time management as your focus.
• Are you investing too little time with the people you consider most important? Consider a new strategy to draw more of your attention to investing in quality time with them. Weekly dates? Special time with your child or beloved family member?
• Have your hobbies and interests become pushed aside completely as responsibilities increased? Consider making time to play an item on the “to-do” list. Grown-ups need time to play too!
• Is your health compromised by lack of sleep and poor eating habits to the point that there is too little energy left to go around for work, those you love and play? Consider lifestyle changes such as exercise and a healthy diet as a focus.

Some changes combine and complement one another and increase the chance of success. Making healthier choices in what we eat pairs well with increased exercise. Rich and heavy foods seem so much less appealing after a good workout. In contrast, taking on changes at work, in relationships, and improving health at the same time increase the chance we will quickly feel overwhelmed and quit. First, decide the areas of your life that would most benefit from change. If two areas emerge as equally problematic, determine if the changes could blend together. Try giving up something that is getting in your way paired with something positive and rewarding. It will be easier to set limits at work if your reward is a date night or time for something fun.

Define What a Balanced Life is to You

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:34:42 -0600

Balance? It is tough to engage in a process if you don’t know what you are seeking. Given that balance is ever evolving in our lives, it is challenging to define. We’re not talking about an end point or the usual drum beats about setting goals. Balance is about shifting your energy to make room for what you value. Only you can decide what is reasonable to change and what trade-offs are worth making.
One way to make a quick assessment of the relative balance of your values and time is to look at your calendar. How is your time allocated in a typical week? Now, think about what you say is most important to you. Is there any correlation? Do your priorities match where your time goes? If you answer is yes, you can stop reading now because you clearly don’t need to engage in this process.
Still reading? This is probably a process worth your attention. Many people emphasize the importance of family yet have to acknowledge that work takes up a great deal of their time. Short of quitting one’s job, it is tough to deny the reality that work (including the unpaid variety) takes up a lot of time. The unpaid work that doesn’t necessarily feed our soul (laundry, errands, etc.) requires time. At the end of the day, how pleased are you with how your time is spent? For many of us, the answer is probably mixed. Rather than feel discouraged about the proportion of time that your obligations demanded, look at a couple things that you were particularly pleased you took time to do today. Can you steal a little more time for them? Can you do them more often?
This is just a starting place to kick-start the process. Small steps all year long will shape the journey.

Resolve to Live a More Balanced Life

Tue, 6 Jan 2009 16:57:08 -0600

Welcome to 2009! Have you made a resolution for the new year? Wondering how you can possibly change everything you would like to be different? As the first blush of the new year fades, many of us revert back to our familiar patterns in spite of our good intentions to live better lives, but why settle? Make this year different! With a little positive thinking about change, you can make your life more balanced increasing your happiness and satisfaction.

The key to making lasting change is to have a strategy that is flexible. Recognizing what we want to be different is the first step. General ideas like living healthier are unlikely to lead to change because they are too vague. Admonitions about what we should do such as exercise more, inspire more guilt than motivation. I propose that you consider a different frame for change – balance!

Finding balance is not rooted in a single resolution or idea for change, but a commitment to a process. Engaging in the process is the goal. Resolve to avoid settling for a chaotic life in exchange for exploring how you can enjoy life more. We can look at small changes that are easy to adopt and can be taken on in small increments over time. I hope you will join me so we can take this journey together.

Positive Thinking in a Negative Economy

Sat, 6 Dec 2008 14:47:33 -0600

Ok. Things are rather discouraging right now as you listen to economic news. You probably know people who have lost their jobs. If you combine that with some mild winter blues, you might be feeling pretty low. It’s worth the effort to resist allowing that feeling to take root! How?

Tune out the news more often. It is easy to become oversaturated by the steady stream of negative information. Keep in mind that you probably take in the news as a steady diet in many forms from traditional (TV, newspapers and radio) formats and new (internet). Make a conscious choice to limit your exposure.

Choose to focus on positive choices you can make. They may be incredibly small, but when possible choose to DO something positive rather than be passive. Being active is a great antidote to a lousy mood. Fight the inclination to sit and do nothing. Go for a walk. Create something just because you can. Sort the junk drawer and celebrate finding a lost item.

Stay in touch with positive people. If possible, do things with other people to lift your mood. Isolation is a prescription for depression. Limit your contact with people who are negative even if you love them. You won’t be any help to them if they influence you to feel just as bad as they do!